Time Stood Still
Originally written 10/11/17
The night before his first birthday I changed his diaper like every other night. I put on his jammies like every other night. I turned on the humidifier like every other night. But as we sat together in the chair and I began to nurse him I was saddened. My baby turns 1 tomorrow. How is that possible? This last year has gone so fast. I stay home with my kids yet I still feel like I didn’t have enough time with him during his first year. I already miss him fitting perfectly in the crook of my arm. I already miss him wobbling as he learned to sit up. I already miss him rolling over and over as he learned he could cross the room with this new technique. I already miss his little coos and baby noises. As his body slowed and his eyes grew heavy, I felt his weight in my arms. I was holding him, protecting him, loving him. I am his mom.
The next morning started exactly as it should have, like a family picture coming to life. Although it was early, 5:30 in the morning, we were awake. The birthday boy was ready to be whisked from his crib. I brought him back to bed with us so my husband and I could snuggle with our baby. Then, as if on cue, our 3 and 5 year old came running into our room and each dove like superman onto the soft covers. Our family of 5 was together and singing Happy Birthday to the smallest member. The birthday boy grinned ear to ear, playing off our excitement and happiness. As I looked at each of our child’s faces I felt a tremendous amount of love and joy. Each one of them has my complete heart. I’m not great at math but that doesn’t seem to add up to 100, right? But that’s the crazy thing about motherhood. There is no such thing as 100%. It’s more like 200% or 300% or for some of my friends with many children, it may be 700%. God knew exactly what he was doing when he made mothers. The strength and size of our hearts is some of his best work. We are made to give love, unconditionally. And what a gift that is! The sounds of the room bring me back to the present moment. As my husband laughs with the kids I know that I am one blessed lady. My whole world is here, right now, together. You know that moment you have when time stops. The pace is no longer impossible to keep up with. For that single moment, you can see, feel and hear every detail. That happened this morning in the exact ideal moment, and I saw perfection. My husband, 3 lovely children, a pile of clean clothes I have yet to put away, a broken closet door, fluffy blankets to keep us warm, a crystal cross that was given to us with our engraved wedding date, family pictures on the wall, that darn bathroom shelf that remains leaning against our bedroom wall and of course love. I saw a lot of love. Sweet laughter echoed off the walls and seemed to engulf us as we held each other in a warm embrace. That moment will forever be etched into my memory.
My baby is growing up. I’m excited to get to know him more and watch his personality flourish. He may be our little peanut but he has a big spirit. Thank you, Finn, for lighting up this world with your sweet smile. Happy Birthday my darling, my love.