I remember you.

Today, a cool breeze swept through our yard and I thought of you.

In high school I had a crush on a boy. We sat next to one another in one class but outside of that classroom I didn’t see him, talk to him or know anything about him. Sounds like the classic high school crush, right!  Eventually we started talking and hanging out. Much to my surprise (and delight) he wanted to be my boyfriend.

He wasn’t very talkative and didn’t give most people the best impression. He acted like nothing bothered him and he didn’t care for anyone. But I could see more. I could feel it was all a front, to be the cool guy in high school. The more we hung out the more I got to know his true personality. He was kind and funny. He respected his aunt and uncle with whom he lived with and he absolutely adored his little cousin. They would wrestle and laugh until they couldn’t breathe. He was sweet. He had a rough go but seemed to be adjusting well enough and aside from his school persona, he was a good kid.

Eventually we broke up. There were still too many situations that his bad boy persona won out over the sweet natured one. I knew he was hurt and once he stopped talking to me completely I was hurt too. I thought about him often, hoping he was getting his act together. I prayed he would become more confident to let the good guy out more often. A couple months after graduation I headed off to soccer preseason. The day after I arrived I received a phone call from my mother. There was an accident. He didn’t survive.

I was heartbroken. Not because I still had romantic feelings for him but because I cared so deeply for him as a friend. I wanted him to get out of high school, away from toxic friends and realize that it’s okay to care. That it’s okay to ask for help. That he is a good person. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it to the funeral. Of course, I wanted to pay my respects but more than that I wanted to talk to his aunt and uncle. I wanted to tell them that I knew their nephew. They should be proud of him. He was kind and gentle and wanted to do something more. He felt stuck. Over the years I have looked up their names a few times, wanting to call or write a letter. We dated so briefly that I’m sure they will not remember me. I was insignificant to them and just a blimp in his life story. I don’t know why I still, after all this time, think of him so often. I think it’s because I feel he was so sad when he left this earth. That he didn’t have enough time to prove that his soul was worth saving, which of course it was more than worthy. I hope his aunt and uncle know that even though their nephew was troubled at times and brushed off others easily, he left an impression on me. Sometimes when I walk outside and the wind blows I feel he is near telling me he’s okay and that he made peace. And then I say to the blue sky, I remember you.